Yes I did, but she's not here.

I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. I was at Target and ran into an old friend. She asked the dreaded question. "Hey did you have a baby?". I think that I handled it quite well. I didn't burst into tears, because I was having a low emotional day. I just proceeded with the conversation. Yes, I did have a baby but that she was still born. Yuck, I just don't like that word. Makes me feel like I failed at growing and birthing my baby. I told her the short version of what had happened. Water broke, Labor began, Hemorrhage, No heart beat, Baby girl born. She just stared wide-eyed at me probably thinking about the two children she had sitting in her grocery cart and wondering how she could have ever left the hospital without them. When I was telling her what had happened to me and how it was actually life-threatening to me and that I could have bled to death ( a thought that I have not completely dealt with yet) I felt like I was just talking about it so nonchalantly. It was like I was telling her a story about someone else that I knew and not myself. I feel like since I can talk about it without crying that I've gotten over it and moved on with my life. I know that is so not the case. I think about Hazel Hope so often and miss her so much. I have been trying to deal with the trauma of seeing others with babies that are 7 weeks old and not losing it. I think that I'm doing pretty well. I have a journal almost done that I've recapped the whole event... start to finish. Even though I put the journal down at the point of when we are at the hospital the next day and people are starting to come and see us. I have had to take breaks with that journal, because I've been so detailed with it that it is almost like reliving the short time that we had with our Hazel.

Me ~ God is doing a major work in my life. All revolving around Hazel Hope and her short little life. I have been awakened to the holy spirit that has been with me all along. I can hear the Lord speaking to me in the quiet moments that I'm concentrating on listening. I also have been writing what I've been hearing down. Thanks to Margie, because she has an amazing story to tell regarding that. Which in itself is a miracle work. I've started to run on the treadmill again.. which feels great. I haven't been able to because I was prego...nursing...prego. Things jiggle in places that never use to jiggle... I hope that I can just jiggle them away! Also, I've started a home business with Arbonne International. It is a Pure-Safe and Beneficial line of Swiss Skin Care. Check it out at www.arbonne.com I'm having fun telling people about the great product and I've even had people ask what I'm doing different with my skin. Makes a girl feel good.