One of my dear friends had a baby on Monday. Her and I had talked in depth about what would happen after her birth. If I would come see her... if I wouldn't. I had told her I didn't know how I would react.... I haven't held or been around any newborns since I lost Hazel. In my heart I really didn't know how I would react. I had been in close proximity to a newborn and I had a panic atttack. I didn't see it coming, it just hit me. We were at a park for a birthday party and someone I am aquaited with had her baby there. She and I were due at the same time, so her baby was the same age that Hazel would have been. I took one look at the baby and had to excuse myself. Thankfully we were at a large park and I walked away very quickly without being rude and composed myself. I kept my distance after that. But with my dear friend I thought that it would be different. I had been there for her the whole pregnancy and I was excited to meet her new baby. I went to the hospital on the day that she had the baby. Just as I was getting out of my car one of my friends that I hadn't seen since Hazel's funeral was walking by. She was a lady that was in my group at BSF . I hadn't seen her in a while and it was such God's timing that she walked by just as I was getting out of my car. We chatted for a few and she told me I looked good and that gave me a boost of confidance to walk into the hospital. Also, I was distracted as I was walking into the hospital until I got up to the 4th floor... because I was on the phone with another friend. Before I knew it I was walking past the room that I was in with Hazel. I was doing TOTALLY FINE. I had pictured myself having a melt down in the hospital earlier in my mind... but I was fine. My friends hubby met me in the hallway and we walked in to the room. She was nursing the baby. We talked as she finished up and then I washed my hands to hold the baby. I wasn't on auto-piolot at all. I took the baby into my arms and she was SO cuddly and pretty and ALIVE. What an awesome thing that life goes on and there is hope for her little life. She survived the c-section and was making the sweetest little frowns and grunts right there in my arms. I changed her little diaper. Again, I was just enjoying the feel of a chubby little newborn in my arms. I hadn't held a baby since I held Hazel and I wasn't even hesitant to hold her at all. The thoughts of guilt that I thought I would have weren't there. I thought for sure that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to hold her... but I did and I didn't even have to pause to think about it. I suppose that means that I'm healing.
Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, Here I am. Is. 58:8-9
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
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5 comments:
Awesome scripture! Thank you for sharing that story. It is amazing how God works in us to bring us to healing and restoration. "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
Your healing process will continue.
I love you!
Thanks for sharing, Michele. Hallelujah for our Mighty God and his healing!!
I'm so proud of you for going back to the place you experienced so many life changing emotions. That must have been tough to go there, thankfully you were distracted on the phone with me talking about Arbonne while walking in.. :) You are strong, and the Lord continues to make you stronger as you face your pain and accept you cross gracefully. I'm not sure I could have gone and held her baby with out falling apart. But the Lord does show up when we need him most, and when we don't.
Kel
Wow! God is so awesome. He gives us what we need, and sometimes ONLY when we need it. I am so glad that you are not giving up on God, I'm sure some people do or at least really want to but He is doing an amazing work in you that has already been a huge blessing to me.
Love ya!
I'm shannon's friend, julie. Thank you for sharing. I have tears running down my face. I'm not quite sure I'd have your strength. Your grace and dependence on the Lord's strength is a testimony to me. He is so good and He is using your life and story to impact people like me, who you have never met. I have prayed for you since Shannon shared your story with me. Continued prayers for you and your family. what an incredible verse.
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